I am throwing myself a pity party and everyone is invited! The party’s already in full swing so you got here just in time. I hope you enjoy the “American Hero” theme underscored with a “poor me” vibe because I really went all out on it. No need to R.S.V.P. and, in lieu of gifts, please bring cash, check or a credit card to contribute to my Gofundme page. (Be generous! The more zeroes in front of the decimal point the better.)
So this is why we are celebrating…
About an hour ago, I was casually getting Cruz ready for preschool. All three dogs whined at the door so I let them out. Because Honey is just a puppy and the farmer we bought her from warned us that she would be a “runner,” she still gets chained up when she goes outside. Plus, since she is my six year old Luke’s dog, I feel an extra sense of responsibility toward this little pup while Luke is away at school. Heaven forbid I should every have to tell him something horrible happened to the love of his life while he was out there getting an education!
With the sun shining brightly and warming the snow on the front lawn, I knew that Honey would not be in a hurry to come in, so I left her there and resumed the task of brushing Cruz’s teeth and combing his hair.
A few minutes later, I looked out the front door and saw the chain on the ground and no dog at the end of it! Being the calm, cool and collected woman that I am, I did what anyone trained in crisis management would do: I panicked and screamed for help.
Jonah (my adult son who may never move out of our basement) raced up the stairs, ready to fight off any armed intruder, stop the toilet from overflowing or reach something off of the top shelf for me, but I quickly informed him that this was an actual emergency and we needed to find Honey alive and in one piece before Luke got off the bus.
I dashed out the back door with Jonah giving chase a foot or two behind me. I am aware of the safe places to step so I avoided the massive sheet of ice coating the ground as the patio meets the driveway, but apparently Jonah did not get that memo. He hit the ice at 90 miles an hour and there was nothing that was gonna break his fall – except me!
Ya know how they say that everything seems to go in slow motion when you are in an accident? Well they lied. That pavement came at me pretty darn fast as I crash-landed into the driveway. It was a one-two punch for me; first I hit the ground (Wham!) then Jonah came crashing down on top of me (Bam!!). The second hit was like adding road salt to my very fresh wounds.
My left leg twisted on my way down and my knee was cut and bled profusely, I am guessing that my right hip is broken and my spine is way out of alignment, my shoulder popped out of the socket and my arm is dangling like a limp noodle (I am forced to write this with my nose. I have to use my chin to hit “shift!”), I am pretty sure my appendix ruptured and I am likely suffering a traumatic brain injury but I won’t know for sure until the full body MRI is read by the radiologist. (Okay, I may have embellished a few details, but it really does hurt!)
Of course my puppy tale has a happy ending. Jonah retrieved the dog and helped me up from the ground. I am in too much pain to do any housework (boo hoo) so I am just sitting here enjoying my pity party. I have to make the best of it now because tomorrow morning, the pain will be worse than any hangover EVER in the history of mankind. Cheers!